Sorry
by Swarek-Malfoy
Summary: Lulu thinks about all the hurt she caused, to one person in particular...Lugan


_**Sorry**_

_Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away  
I missed you and things weren't the same  
Cause everything inside it never comes out right  
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die_

It's been almost a year since I basically ran him out of town and to this day I still think about him…but why? I shouldn't be thinking about someone that I used to love when I am with someone else. I still remember the hurt look in his eyes when I told him I knew about what happened in Iraq and that Spinelli had told me. Sure I was mad at him for not telling me but I should have known he'd have told me when he was ready. It wasn't even his fault with what happened over there, but he blamed himself and I made that blame worse. I thought with my head instead of my heart, I should have known better…it never did turn out very well when I did that. I yelled, screamed at him to leave town, that he wasn't wanted here and I made him feel so guilty over what happened over there that he did leave without so much as a goodbye. But could I really expect that? I'm the one that turned my back on him when he needed me most, sure we weren't together at the time but that shouldn't matter. You see, over in Iraq, Logan and Coop got involved in this black market stuff and so was that creepy Cody guy and some others including Cody's best friend Nate. One night, the deal went bad, and when I say bad I mean real bad, the guys they were dealing with open fired and Nate was hit. Logan worked so hard to save his life but it was no use. Cody saw Logan as the man who killed Nate, that's why he came to Port Charles to hunt Logan down. For some reason I thought of this the same way Cody did and I blamed Logan. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge him, especially after the whole Text Message Killer ordeal. But none of that matters now right? Because I left Logan for Johnny. Because Logan's gone and I'm happy with Johnny…I think.

"Lulu" I heard my name being called

I turned around to see Johnny coming up to me. Normally I'd be happy to see him, but right now I really didn't want to talk to him. I don't know why, I just…ugh.

"Hey Johnny" I said as pleasantly as I could

Johnny smiled "So are we going out tonight?" he leaned in to kiss me but I turned away so he just caught my cheek

"Uh, I have to work" I said, it was a lie but it was for good reasons. My family was having dinner tonight and its been so long since I seen them all together and I wanted to spend time with them…alone.

"Lulu, you've worked every night this week" he pouted and I just rolled my eyes "Please, I miss my girlfriend"

"Sorry, not tonight" I said with a small smile. He just didn't understand that my family was really important to me. It was almost as if someday I was worried that he might make me choose…him or family. Logan would never make me do that, he would understand. Ugh I have to stop this…I keep comparing Logan to Johnny and that's not good. I keep telling myself its just my guilt talking, but I should be over it now…right?

"Alright" he sighed "Will you call me later then?"

"Sure" I said _if I feel like it_

***

_I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you  
And I know I can't take it back I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round And I just wanted to say I'm sorry_

After dinner, I went up to my room and sat on my bed. All I could think about was what Lucky and Nik telling me. It was either, 'Johnny isn't good enough for you' or 'do you realize what he would do to our family?' And the classic 'you can do better'. This was actually the first time I didn't yell at them for it. I guess it's because I was starting to see what they see. Being with Johnny seemed to be pulling me away from my family. I wasn't spending much time with them, because all my spare time was spent with him. I really don't have any friends because once I started things with Johnny, I just basically ditched them. Sure I still see Georgie and Spinelli around but we don't talk like we used to, its just usually the quick hi and bye. You see, when I was with Logan, I still spent time with my family and with my friends…ugh why can't I stop thinking like that. I need some air, so I went downstairs and told Lucky where I was going. Yes I did, I finally left the Quartermaine nest.

_This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days  
You get older and blame turns to shame_

I walked around town for what seemed like hours before I came to the docks. I sat on the bench and looked out to the water. It always seemed to have this calming effect but tonight it just wasn't working. I sighed loudly and heard foot steps behind me, I figured it was Johnny…its times like these that I feel trapped like I'm in a box and can't get out. I want to be alone but he just never seems to get that. He stops right in front of me and I look up shocked, it wasn't Johnny…it was Coop.

_Cause everything inside it never comes out right  
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die_

"Lulu, are you alright?" he asked

He should hate me for what I put Logan through, but Coop was never that type of person. I smiled small "I'm fine"

"You don't seem fine" he said taking a seat next to me on the bench "You want to talk about it?"

"Coop really, you're the last person I should talk about this with" I said and sighed "You should hate me for what I did to him"

"So Logan's been on your mind?" he asked and I nodded "Look Lulu, I don't hate you…sure I wasn't to happy with what…" he sighed "Lulu, what happened in Iraq, it was a mistake one that never should have happened and one that Cody blamed Logan for."

I silently nodded, I realize that Coop's probably the only person I could talk to about Logan.

"Logan blamed himself for it, he always felt he could have done more" Coop said and I could tell it was really hard for him to talk about what happened over there "When he came here, all he wanted was to find his dad…he told me once that he wanted to make his dad pay for what he did. But I always thought it was his guilt over what happened over there that was making him think that way. You and I both know Logan was never good at talking about stuff like feelings…he didn't know any other way to cover up that guilt so that's why he wanted to go after Scott and I'm sure that's why he made that bet with Maxie." Coop said and I nodded it did make sense

I didn't know what to say, I could feel the tears building up and then I heard my phone ring. I looked to see who it was, I scoffed and turned my phone off. I looked over to see Coop giving me a weird look "It's just Johnny"

Coop chuckled "I don't want to talk to him right now" I said "I really wish he'd just give me some space"

"I could 'take care' of him for you" Coop smiled

I laughed lightly and wiped the tears from my eyes "That sounds like something Logan would say"

"Well I guess him and I have something in common" he looked over to me and smiled small "You know you could do better that mobster right?"

"So I've been told" I said _like Logan_ and the tears started pouring down my cheeks "I just...I miss him…so much"

We sat in silence for a few minutes before Coop's pager went off and he sighed "I have to get to the station, are you going to be alright?"

"Yeah" I said quietly "Thanks"

Coop just smiled and nodded before he walked away

_I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you  
And I know I can't take it back I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round  
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry_

The days passed by quickly, and I haven't talked to Johnny or anyone really. The thing is I didn't even miss Johnny…I miss Logan. I miss the way he'd cheer me up when I'm down, I miss everything about him. I felt so guilty for what I did; I broke his heart in more ways than one.

I heard a loud bang from out back of Kelly's. I went out back to check it out, I gasped when I saw Johnny holding a gun on some guy while hitting the man's head against the brick wall. I ran as fast as I could

I found myself sitting at the docks, it was quiet, calm and relaxing…until I heard my name being called.

"Lulu, there you are, I've been looking everywhere for you" Johnny said and I groaned "I haven't seen you in days, I tried calling and…"

"Johnny this isn't going to work" I said

"What do you mean?" he asked confused

"I mean us…it isn't working" I said

"Why not?" he asked

"Johnny can you please just leave it alone and accept that its over" I spat

"Not until you give me a reason Lulu" he said

"You want a reason? Alright then, I can't stand the fact that the mob hurts people for no damn reason other than for power, I hate the fact that I let myself get involved in it…and I just don't want to be with you" I said loudly I want to be with Logan, even if it's impossible

"Lulu…" he said reaching for me

"No…Johnny, it's over please just accept it" I said hoping he'd just leave

He sighed "Ok…I knew it was coming anyway" and with that he left

For the first time in almost a year I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

_Every single day I think about how we came all this way  
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right  
Oh yeah sorry!_

I got up and went to the edge of the docks and sat down. I smiled sadly when I remember one thing Logan told me in this very spot:

_**"Go after what you want, who knows someday you might just make it happen"**_

"What if what I want isn't here, what if I ruined any chance at getting what I want when I broke his heart …because what I want is Logan." I said out loud to myself, then all of a sudden it started to rain

I sat there crying for what seemed like forever until I heard footsteps. I immediately got up and wiped the tears from my eyes. I turned around and was shocked at who I saw standing infront of me.

"Logan" I whispered and smiled through my tears

_I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you  
And I know I can't take it back I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round  
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry_

"Hi" he said quietly, it hurt when he couldn't look at me "Coop called me and said he thought you might need me…I don't know what would make him thi…"

He broke off when I jumped in his arms and kissed him hard. I missed him so much, more than I ever thought I could and at that moment, I knew I loved him.

After we pulled apart I looked into his green eyes, I saw hurt, love and confusion.

"Logan I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I said "I shouldn't have broke your heart and I shouldn't have made you leave"

He just looked down, I hurt him so badly "I should have known then that what happened was a mistake and I should have known you'd tell me when you were ready" I said through my tears

I put my hand on his cheek and looked into his eyes "I'm sorry for everything…Logan I love you, it's always been you"

He smiled, oh how I missed that smile

"I love you too Lu" he said "I never stopped"

He leaned in and kissed me passionately and I kissed him back with as much passion. This was right, this was home, all I ever truly wanted and needed was Logan.

_I'm sorry, baby  
I'm sorry, baby  
I'm sorry_


End file.
